A Children's Murder Mystery Party

by Trevor Hopkins (email)

Plot Step Character Script Notes
Freddie Farr starts the reading of the will Freddie Farr We are gathered here this afternoon to read the last will and testament of the Baroness Arabella Rummun.  She died recently under tragic and mysterious circumstances.  The police haven't been able to find out what happened.
Perhaps we will also find out what will happen to all these wonderful artefacts that the baroness has collected over the years.
Interrupts the reading of the will Samantha Snoop This is Samantha Snoop, Daily Herald.  My sources say there is some thing funny going on at the Manor.  Are these artefact real?  My sources say that they're fakes! Shouts out and interrupts Farr - PROMPT
  Freddie Farr Fakes - of course not.  How could they possibly be fakes.    
  Samantha Snoop I stole - I mean found - a report that said that the Baroness was a fraud, and that her taste in artefacts was rubbish!  
  Freddie Farr Does anyone think they're fakes?   
  All Fakes, fakes, fakes!  
  Freddie Farr Nonsense.  The late Baroness has had these wonderful items for years.  But, we had better make sure.  I believe we have in the room an expert on Egyptian artefacts.  Doctor Sue Diggett!  
Dr. Diggett comes forward and inspects the artefacts carefully. Dr. Sue Diggett I've inspected these artefacts before, when I visited the Baroness. I'm sorry to say that all of the Egyptian artefacts are fake and therefore completely worthless.    
  Freddie Farr You knew about these Egyptian artefacts?  
  Dr. Sue Diggett I knew they were fake, but I didn't tell anyone.  I didn't want to upset the Baroness.  Oh, I wish I had told  her this before!  
  Freddie Farr But where did the fake Egyptian artefacts come from?  Does anyone know?  
  All Arfer Dailly sold them  
  Freddie Farr Mr. Arfer Dailly, the well-known businessman.  Did you sell these things to the Baroness?  
Arfer Dailly steps forward. Arfur Dailly I admits that I sold that Egyptian stuff to the  Baroness.  But I bought it all in good faith!  Me gear's always good.  Ask anyone!  
  Freddie Farr But who knows who sold the fake artefacts to Arfer Dailly?  Does anyone know?  
  All/Arfer Professor Nutty McNut!  
  Freddie Farr Professor McNut.  Do come forward.  
Arfer Dailly bought the Egyptian artefacts from Prof McNut. Professor Nutty McNut Har, har, har.  Yes, Yes, I did it, it was me.  It's my secret process for making fake Egyptian artefacts seem just like the real thing.  I fooled Arfer Dailly.  I nearly fooled you all.  Har, har HAR!  
  Freddie Farr But why did you do it?  
  Professor Nutty McNut I needed the money for my secret experiments.  I only got a few quid for them, anyway.  Arfur Dailly must have thought I was stupid, or something.  
What about the other artefacts?  Check on each kind of artefacts. Freddie Farr Oh my goodness.  And I thought these wonderful pieces were completely genuine and extremely valuable!  I think we must check on all the other items in the collection.
Does anyone think anything else is fake?
  All What about the clock?  
  Freddie Farr The clock - who knows about clocks? Ah, I know - we'll ask Princess Stella.
Your Royal Highness. Would you care to step forward?
Checking the Antique French Clock  Princess Stella of Moldovia Let me inspect the clock.  I have lots of clocks just like this in my gracious palaces back home in Moldavia.  
  Freddie Farr Please look closely, your Royal Highness, and tell us all whether the clock is real.  
Inspects the clock closely Princess Stella of Moldovia Oh yes, this is the genuine article.  A gracious example of a seventeenth century French clock, in very good condition.  Absolutely priceless.  
Freddie Farr Well, I wonder if anyone would be interested in buying the clock?  I believe Ms. Bradshaw was interested.  
Offer to buy clock. Clarissa Bradshaw It's a marvelous clock.  I've been after it for years, but the Baroness wouldn't sell it to me. If one of you inherits the clock in the Baroness's will - well, just let me say that I'll offer you a lot of money for it.  
Clock is actually real! Freddie Farr So the clock is completely genuine.  And worth a lot of money, I'm sure.  Someone is going to be very rich!  
  Freddie Farr Perhaps we should hear from the person who sold the clock to the Baroness.  Miss Classy Galore?  
Hear from the seller of the clock Classy Galore Let me have a look.  Yes, it's true - I sold this clock to the Baroness years ago.  One of my gentlemen friends left it with me, before he went off polar-bear hunting.  He never did come back (giggles)  
  Freddie Farr But is this the real clock?  
Checks clock closely.  Seems surprised Classy Galore Yes, it's the real thing all right.  
  Freddie Farr Well that seems conclusive them.  But we have another expert in clocks in the room - Mister George Timepiece.  Mr. Timepiece - could you cast your eyes over this?  
Inspects clock closely George Timepiece Well, well, there's a thing, tick, tock.  I know this clock - the Baroness sent it to me to be cleaned and repaired a few years ago.    
  George Timepiece And then a strange thing happened - not one, but two people paid me to make copies of the clock.  And I did - they were excellent copies, could have fooled anyone, tick, tock.  But this is the real thing, TICK, TOCK.  
What happened to the fake clocks? Freddie Farr What's going on here?  What happened to the fake clocks.  And who asked you to make them?  
First fake clock was sent to Madame Foo Foo. George Timepiece Well, I guess you should all know.  Madame Foo Foo paid me to make a copy, tick, tock.  I was supposed to send the fake clock back to the Baroness, and give the real one to her.  But I fooled her.  She's got a fake clock, and I sent the real one back in the post, TICK, TOCK.  
  Madame Foo Foo What?  That can't be possible.  You mean to tell me that the clock I have in my stylish home is fake?  How could you play a trick like that on me, after all we have meant to each other?  You have no style!  Boo, hoo, hoo…  
  Freddie Farr Well, I guess Madame Foo Foo bought a fake clock, and that's what she got!
But what about the second clock?
Second fake clock was given to Classy Galore George Timepiece I gave it to Miss Classy Galore, tickety, tock!  I don't know what she wanted it for, tick, tock.  
  Freddie Farr Well, he's ticking along nicely.  Does anyone know what Miss Galore wanted the clock for? Does anyone at all know?  
  All She wanted to get Basil Bossy to swap it for the real clock.  
  Freddie Farr Really?   I'm sure that can't be true.  Let's ask Miss Galore.  
  Classy Galore Well, yes, if you must know.  I've always wanted that clock.  I just love the way it tinkles.  Now I'm not sure which one is which!  
  Freddie Farr But did Basil Bossy do it?  Let's ask Mr. Bossy  
The PostMaster General. Basil Bossy Miss Classy Galore approached me to intercept the Royal Mail, and swap the real clock for the fake one.  But I couldn't do it - not after working for the Post Office for all these years.  So, the clock that Mister Timepiece sent is the one that the Baroness received.  
  Classy Galore Oh, no!  How could you?  And after all the things I did for you.  Boo, hoo, hoo…  
  Freddie Farr Well, it seems that Miss Galore also paid for a fake clock, and that's what she got, too.  Now we know all the other artefacts are real, can we get on with the reading of the Will?  Or does anyone think that there is a problem with any of the other artefacts?  
  All But what about the African artefacts?  Are they real or fake?  
African artefacts Freddie Farr Has anyone here travelled in Africa?    
  All  Gabrielle Le Fee  
  Freddie Farr Perhaps Miss Gabrielle Le Fee may be able to help?  Could you pirotte over here, please?    
  Gabrielle Le Fee I have travelled widely and performed amazingly in Africa.  My amazing dancing is extremely popular everywhere.  And I have picked up amazing souveneer from everywhere I've been.  
Holds up Hippo Freddie Farr How about this one (Hippo)?  
Gabrielle Le Fee comes forward and inspects the African artefacts closely.  Picks out one item (Hippo bookend). Gabrielle Le Fee This one is not real. This Hippo is definitely a fake - look, you can see the marks where someone has carved it with a blunt knife!  And the Patina is too dark to be real  Amazing that anyone could ever have thought it genuine  
  Freddie Farr Oh, no, not again. Does anyone know what might have happened?  Did anyone see a thief sneaking around?  
Dollar spotted by Mulch the Gardener. All Mulch the Gardener saw someone sneaking around in the grounds  
  Freddie Farr Mr Mulch.  Do you have something to tell us?  
  Mulch the Gardener Well, I was just potting some pansies, and I sees this bloke sneaking about.  I sees it was Dollar Moss.  And 'e was carrying somefin' in his hand.  
Stolen by Dollar Moss Freddie Farr Well, well. Mr. Dollar Moss!  Is there something you would like to tell us?  
Asked to by the Baroness to sell it, and keep part of the proceeds of the sale.  Also, whittled a replica Dollar Moss OK, OK, I admit it.  I did steal the Hippo.  And I carved a copy too!  
  Freddie Farr But why did you do it?  
  Dollar Moss The Baroness asked me to!  She asked me to steal the Hippo, and leave the copy I carved.  I was then supposed to sell the real Hippo, and give half the money to her.  She said she needed the money desperately.  Such a lovely woman.  So beautiful.  
Photo of Baroness? Freddie Farr Yes, I can see that.
But why did the Baroness need the money?  Does anyone know?
Needed the money to pay gambling debts All She lost all her money to T.J. "Lucky" Spurs  
  Freddie Farr Mr. T. J. Spurs!  Have you been playing cards with the late Baroness?  
  Lucky Spurs Call me Lucky.  Lucky by name, lucky by nature.  I always seem to win.  Yes, I won against the Baroness in many games of cards.  She still owes me the money.  
  Freddie Farr I don't think gambling debts can be paid out of a person's will.  So you won't be getting money here today!
Is there anyone else here who has lost money to Mr. Spurs?  
  All Vincenzo Vincente, and Jeff Setter  
  Freddie Farr Perhaps Vincenzo Vincente would like to make a statement?  
  Vincenzo Vincente Well, ah, I've been pitting my fabulous wits and luck against Mr. Spurs.  He always seems to win.  It's uncanny.  I suspect he cheats!  Against me, the fabulous Vincenzo. Italian Accent?
  Freddie Farr So what has Mr. Spurs got to say to that?  
  Lucky Spurs That's not true.  Always play fair, that's me.  Lucky by name, Lucky by nature.  
  Freddie Farr And what about Jeff Setter.  Do you have anything to add?  
Caught cheating at cards by Jeff Setter Jeff Setter I've seen Mr. so-called Lucky Spurs cheating at cards!  I caught him at it redhanded.  I bet he's got a Ace or two up his sleeves right this very minute!  
  Freddie Farr Well, let's see… Pulls cards from Lucky Spurs clothing
  Freddie Farr Well that proves it
I'm sure we can leave Mr. Jeff Setter and Mr. Vincenzo Vincente to "sort out" Lucky Spurs later on!
Baroness had made a number of poor investments - guided by Jerry Moneybags Freddie Farr But back to the Baroness's will.  Surely the Baroness was very wealthy?  What happened to all her money?  Perhaps we should hear from the Baroness's personal financial advisor, Mr. Jerry Moneybags.  Mr. Moneybags, could you step forward, please?  
  Jerry Moneybags I have been the Baroness's personal financial advisor for many years.  But investments can go down as well as up, and at the moment they are going down.  
  Freddie Farr So the Baroness has been losing money.   
  Freddie Farr Mr. Moneybags - what do you know about the Stock Market.  
  Jerry Moneybags Well, it's a market for Stocks.  It's all a complete mystery to me - I just buy things I fancy, and sometimes I get lucky!  
  Freddie Farr So you don't know about markets and futures then?  No wonder that the Baroness has been losing money!   
  Freddie Farr But we still don't know what happened to the real African Hippo? Does anyone know?  Perhaps Mr. Mulch can help?  
Mulch the Gardener I chased Dollar Moss.  But he was too fast for me.  He got away, 'e did.  But I sees him drop something in the grounds.  Couldn't find it when I looks, though.  
Dropped the artefact somewhere in the grounds.  But managed to escape from Mulch's pursuit! Freddie Farr So, I wonder what happened to the dropped Hippo?  This is the real one, I think.  Does anyone know?  
  All Alex Snootipants found it!  
Artefact found by Alex Snootipants, while taking photographs in the Manor grounds Freddie Farr The Honorable Alexander Snootipants, indeed.  Did you find the African artefact?  
Hidden somewhere inside the Manor Alex Snootipants Well, you know, I was just taking a few artistic photographs in the grounds, when I saw a very strange man rush past, chased by that madman gardener.  The strange man dropped something right in front of me, and I picked it up.  I took it into the Manor.  
  Freddie Farr And then what did you do with it?  
  Alex Snootipants Ah, well, you know, I was so distracted by the subject of my artistic photographs that I've completely forgotten where I put it!  
  Freddie Farr So how can we find out where the real Hippo went?  Has anyone been watching the house?  
  All Jules Bond!  
  Freddie Farr Mr. Bond.  So good of you to join us this afternoon. Is there anything you can tell us?  
Observed by Jules Bond Jules Bond I am a member of a secret organisation.  I could tell you it's name, but then I'd have to kill you.  Sufficient to say that I have been watching the Manor and grounds.  
  Freddie Farr But why were you watching the Manor.  
  Jules Bond I can't tell you that.  You won't get any information out of me!  
  Freddie Farr Does anyone know what Mr. Bond has been up to?  What has he been watching the Manor?  
  All He's trying to find out what happened to the Baron!  
  Freddie Farr So, Mr. Bond, did you find out what happened?  
  Jules Bond No, I never found out. It's a mystery!  
  Freddie Farr But if Mr. Bond can't find out what happened, will we ever know?  Unless, the Baron's old friends can help?  Do we have any old friends of the Baron here?  
  All How about Lydia Lite?  
  Freddie Farr Miss Lite?  Would you care to step forward?  Anything you'd like to tell us?  
"Baron" Gustav was on a secret mission. Lydia Lite Gustav and I were old friends, from when I was first singing in the nightclub. We spend our nights together, because the night is my day, and the day is my night.
He wasn't really a Baron you know.  I was just a cover story.  He was really a spy, and was on a secret mission here in England.
  Freddie Farr Gosh, A spy.  What happened to him?  
  Lydia Lite I don't know.  I knew he had met and married Arabella - she wasn't really a Baroness, you know  Then he was supposed to go on another secret mission. I never heard of him again, in the night or in the day.  
  All Ahh…..  
  Freddie Farr So does anyone know what happened to the so-called Baron?  
  All The Baron rescued Mata Hairie  
  Freddie Farr Miss Mata Hairie?  Could you tell us you part of this story?  
Rescued Mata Hairie Mata Hairie A long time ago, I was a spy, as well as an exotic dancer.  I'm retired now, of course.  And I was on a secret mission, with Gustav Rummun, who you know as the Baron.  He was so exotic!  
  Freddie Farr What happened?  
  Mata Hairie We were being chased by enemy agents agross a narrow bridge.  I slipped and nearly fell.  Gustav resued me from certain death.  He's my hero.  But then he fell - to his certain death!  
  Freddie Farr What a sad story.  So the Baron wasn't really a Baron, but he was a genuine hero!  
  All Ahhhh…  
  Freddie Farr But we still haven’t fond out what happened to the real African Hippo!  Can Jules Bond tell us anything about that?  
Jules Bond OK, just this once.  I saw Alex Snootipants bring the real Hippo into the Conservatory.  He put it down behind a chair.  
  Freddie Farr Ahh.  Good job someone around here knows what's going on.  Mr. Ian Beasts.  You've done lots of exploring in jungles - coud you find the real African Hippo in the Conservatory?  If you find it, bring it straight here!  
Ian Beasts finds the Hippo      
  Freddie Farr Thank you.  Gosh, look.  There's something stuck to the bottom of the Hippo!  Perhaps it's a CLUE?  
  Ian Beasts "Check the Backgammon."  I play backgammon.  It's my favourite game.  And I play chess, that's my favourite game too.  And I play hockey. Actualy, thinking about it, that's my favourite.  Of course, I play rugby - that's really my favourite game.  I've got many favorite games.  
Real Hippo has a clue (secret message) attached to it - look under the backgammon set Freddie Farr What can that mean?  There's only one backgammon set in the Manor.   
  Ian Beasts OK, so where's the backgammon set?  
  Freddie Farr Go have a look, then.  
Finds birth certificate for Ian      
  Ian Beasts It's a birth certificate.  "Born to Arabella Rummun, 23rd November 1974, a son."  There's no name, though.  
  Freddie Farr A son?  I didn’t know that the Baroness had a son.  I've never seen  any son at the manor!  Did anyone know that the Baroness has a son?  
  All  Mr. Georgy Porgy  
  Freddie Farr Mr. Porgy.  Headmaster, would you care to step forward?    
  Georgy Porgy Yes, I would like to make a statement.  The Baroness confided in me that she had a child years ago.  But he was kidnapped years ago - I don't know who by.  
  Freddie Farr Is that all you can tell us?  
  Georgy Porgy I once heard someone say that the Baroness's long lost son was at my school!  But I have never been able to find out who it is.  
  Freddie Farr So, does anyone know what happened to the Baroness's son?  
  All  Lucrecia Diva   
  Freddie Farr Miss Diva.  Do you want to say something?  
  Lucrecia Diva  Yeah, I know what happened.  But you're better off asking Bruce Danunder.  He's been looking for the Baroness's son for years.  
  Freddie Farr Do go on.  
  Lucrecia Diva  The Baroness has been paying Bruce Danunder to find the lost son for years and years.  He used to buy me jewelry and diamonds with the money - but he doesn't like me any more!  
  Freddie Farr Mr. Danunder!  Can you shed any light  
  Bruce Danunder G'day.  Well, it's like this.  The old Baroness has pots of money, and I thought she wouldn’t mind me getting a few quid now and then.  
  Freddie Farr But you never found the long lost son?  
  Bruce Danunder Oh, yeah Mate, I did.  Took all of two days.  But I never told the Battleaxe - I mean Baroness.  She would have stopped paying me!  
  Freddie Farr Well, that's disgraceful..  The least you can do is tell us who the son is, right now.  
  Bruce Danunder Oh, all right.  It's him - Ian Beasts.  He's the Baroness's son.  
  All  Ohhh…  
  Pinky Beasts No, no, that's not right.  He's my son! Screams
  Freddie Farr Well, here's a to-do.  How are we to find out whether Ian Beasts is really the Baroness's son.  I know, we'll ask the Baroness's oldest friend - Miss Ivory Tinkle.  
Knew the Baroness when they were both dancers in a night club. Ivory Tinkle It's true.  I've known the Baroness for ever and ever - since she worked as a waitress in a nightclub, where I used to play the piano.  And I know that the Baroness did have a son, and that he was kidnapped as a baby.  
  Freddie Farr But how can we tell whether young Ian here is the Baroness's son or not?  
  Ivory Tinkle The Baroness once confided in me.  She said her son had a red birthmark in the shape of a heart on his arm.  
  Freddie Farr Ah, indeed.  And does Ian Beasts have such a birthmark?  
  Ian Beasts Yes, here it is.  
Kidnapped Ian Beasts as a baby Freddie Farr So, Pinky Beasts.  What do you have to say for yourself?    
  Pinky Beasts (Sobs) Yes, I did steal Ian away when he was just a baby.  I couldn’t bear the thought of that beautiful infant being brought up in a place without books and music.  I thought I could give him a much better upbringing.  
  Freddie Farr So, Ian Beasts is really the son of the Baroness?  
  Pinky Beasts Yes, yes, it is true. (sobs)  
  Freddie Farr But why did the Baroness die in such mysterious circumstances?  Does anyone here know why the Baroness was killed?  
All  Rt. Hon Phoebe "Hammy" Hamilton  
  Hammy Hamilton Super!  I think I have worked it out.  Pinky Beasts realised that the late Baroness was close to finding out where her son was.  So, someone had to murder the her before that happened, to keep it secret.  
  Freddie Farr So who was it?  Who killed the Baroness.  
Pinky Beasts is revealed as the murderer of the Baroness. Hammy Hamilton It was her, Pinky Beasts.  She must have done it.  So dishonourable!  
  Pinky Beasts (Sobs) Oh, woe is me.  I confess, I murdered the Baroness.  She would have taken my son away from me.    
  Freddie Farr Inspector!  Arrest that woman!  
Arrested by Inspector Herring Inspector Herring Come along now, my girl.  Let's have you down at the station.  We need to ask you a few questions.  
  Freddie Farr Well, finally, can we have a look at the will?
Well, I won't bore you by reading out all the legal jargon.  Basically it says that the bulk of the Baroness's fortune will go to her long-lost son, if he can be found
  All Hoorah  
  Freddie Farr Just as well we've found out that Ian is the son - otherwise, all of the Baroness's money would have gone to a cat's home!  
  All Ohhh…  
  Freddie Farr Perhaps Ms. Clarrisa Bradshaw would like to renew her offer to buy the clock?  
Offers to buy clock for lots of money Clarrisa Bradshaw Oh, yes, I'll certainly buy the clock.  I've got my checkbook here somewhere.  
  Freddie Farr It seem that Ian will be very rich after all.
There's a section in the Will here.  It seems that there is enough of the Baroness's estate left to give everyone attending enough for a drink!
The food suppliers Freddie Farr Finally, it just falls to me to thank Miss Trinny Haddock, the world famous chef, preparing the wonderful food we have enjoyed this afternoon.  I understand thatTrinny has been supplying meals to the Baroness for years and years.  
  Trinny Haddock Well, actually I have a secret, too.  I never cook anything at all really - it all comes from Sainsbury's!  That's the only way I could possibly do it.  That's why I have to work all by myself! Trinny may need to leave the party early - move earlier??
Note: if one character is not available (does not come to the party), then Farr will read out a letter from the missing character.

Home Page | Links | Fiction Introduction | Miscellaneous | Murder Mystery Home Page
© 2006-2009 Trevor Hopkins. All rights reserved. Webmaster Last updated 15 July 2009